Fine with Just Friends(a Redux of an old blog)

        Where should I begin...throughout my Elementary School years, I was either the Bully, or being bullied...during 5th grade PE, I would hide in the bathrooms, for the whole period, because I didn't want to be made fun of. Its around this same time that I began to have an attraction towards girls. I began to see them in a different light, so to say. I didn't know what I was feeling or how to react to it. I noticed a lot of girls, and they started to seem pretty to me.
         
                       This new found feeling to the opposite sex carried on to my Junior High years. it was the coming of Pre-teen age I guess, when confusion sets in and your mind take in brand new information, about life, and music and sight. Was good times, Making new friends at anew school and everything.
                    At Lokelani Intermediate, there was an abundance of girls that I thought where completely beautiful to me.My 6th grade year was mainly just noticing them. In my English class, I believe was 4th period...I met Kelly. That whole 6th grade year, we weren't friends, she was just another girl in the class.

     Summer came and went, and I started 7th Grade year...I started to notice her.
we had a couple of classes together, and we began to just hangout, lunch time, in Mr.Hee's class. I brought a disposable camera to school, and I took her picture, I don't know why...I just took pictures, we was playing around, the doors was closed and it was dark in the class room, I think there was a power outage that day..?? I dunno, oh wait, no we was just playing around in the dark with the lights turned off, Me,Kelly and some other dude, I forget his name, just laughing and chilling out, I was just snapping away with that camera, we where still kids at that time, she was eating saimin, out of the package, locals do that a lot, they smash up the saimin package and then pour the soup base in the package and shake it up, Snack!...lol. Me and Kelly would talk about movies and stuff, basically just, friends talk, but she didn't know how I was really feeling.

         The year went by so fast, it was like a blur to me, I rarely remember things that actually happened that year, I went to school basically just to see Kelly, and other friends...but I was always going  to see her mainly, like I couldn't have day where I pass by her, or talk to her, was pretty lonely on days when she wasn't at school.. The Summer came and went, and Summertime always takes your mind off of school, but I thought of her from time to time, when listening to music, I would daydream that we where at a dance, and we're slow dancing together...I was crushing, it wasn't hardcore though,yet but, She was my crush.
              
    8th Grade year started and we where back to school, going through the whole routine again, Math,English, Science with Mr.Hee. I think she began to notice me paying attention to her a little more than in the past, during this year I had made lame advances, wait, I think I did, I don't remember. Then I heard that she had a boyfriend, I forget who asked her, but, she was talking about him. It made me jealous I guess, I don't know, I was a kid, I believe I just felt like I was hurt, yet it didn't really mean anything to me, oh! she has boyfriend?...oh, okay. Very chill or something. I guess it did hurt me in a way, The girl that I liked, liked someone else instead of me. Heart was not comepletely broken, maybe just torn at the edges.

           My 8th Grade year was fun, we won all Categories of Songfest, which at the time was Lokelani's version of the Kamehameha Schools singing competition. a lot of dances, impromptu type dances during lunch recess, I liked it, got to hear music, watch the DJ spin and what not. After that, we move on to High School.

               My freshman year was bad, I got bullied by some pricks who thought it was pretty damn funny, got close to getting a beat down couple of times for the stupidest things.Kelly was beginning to look gorgeous to me, I mean, I looked at her and all I saw was beauty, I began to notice...certain attributes about her, as any normal teenage boy would. Girls would begin to swell in certain areas, and we just so happen to notice it, its kind of hard not to, ya know..ha.
                          
                             I became more infatuated with her, and that's when the crush went full blown, I mean, I wanted to just be near her all the time,every second, just to see her smile, just to hear her talk, I couldn't go throughout the day without being by her in some way. She started going out with, this Hawaiian guy, I forget his name, but he was the cousin of her friend at the time, and, they where a couple...held hands, and kissed, a couple. something happened to the guy that caused him to go back to Molokai, and, I was near them, hanging out at the edge of the office, by the Short bus stop, and I said something like, its not the end of the world...and Kelly replied that it was the end of the world, to her. She was in love, and I still feel guilty to this day for saying something like that at that time when that persons whole world just started to crumble because, her heart was being broken.
              
                  The rest of my Freshman year was okay, I had a 16th Birthday party, and I deejayed, I loved it, it was fun, My teacher Ms.Gable was there, and so was Kelly and my friend Preston, who was like my Best bud at the time. I had a blast!...it was my 16th birthday, and if I remember correctly, I had my first beer that night, lol.I made Dean's List for some reason that year because, I don't know, I think because Ms.Gable gave straight A's, I had her classes like all day. Summer came again, and then Sophomore year began. Kelly had a new boyfriend, Taylor I think his name was. He was a freshman, a year younger than Kelly, and I would make jokes about robbing the cradle, she laughed. I made hints sometimes that I liked her, I don't know if she took them seriously, I bought her a necklace I think, that year...yeah yeah, I did, I was at the county fair and I saw a necklace with a gold crucifix, I bought it, and after the weekend was over, I came to school with the necklace in my back pack, I didn't see her till Morning recess, and she was hanging out in class, with Taylor, her boyfriend, and I put the necklace on her and said, I bought this for you, and Taylor was like, aw!...Kelly hated it...during 4th period, I forget what she said to me, but I got the necklace back from her...I think I said something like, it didn't mean anything...But it did. I went home that day, and, my grandpa was in a hurry to get changed for work, he had another job after school as Security at the harbor, when he left, I was home alone. I took the necklace out of my back pack, and I threw it in the trash.

                     I went outside, to the back of my house, and I began to punch the wall, hard, very hard.
what ran though my mind at that moment was," you stupid fat fuck, you don't mean nothing to her, you never will". I walked down a path in the back of my house that lead out to a dirt road...I walked for a while out there, and I sat on a big boulder, and I just cried, I thought of everything that was wrong with me, I'm Ugly, I'm Fat, I'm Stupid, and I began thinking of suicide, like, I give up, there's nothing worth living for if she doesn't feel the same way I felt, But I never went through with. I kinda stayed away from her I think, after that. but she was always there.

    Junior year, I think she was still going out with Taylor, we all just hanged out in the morning, during the recesses, at the portable class room stairs. I would just listen to them talk about music and movies and stuff, I would throw in my two cents, But yeah...we just hanged out over there. One day, I was sitting on the top step, and...Kelly sat next to me...for several seconds, she rested her head on my shoulder...I acted like it was nothing, but inside, emotions started to just build up. those several seconds of her resting her head on my shoulder made me just melt inside. No girl ever did that, to this day, there is no other woman who has rested her head on my shoulder, just Kelly. I was so calm in that moment, but an absolute wreck inside. This is a girl who has no interest in me other than being a friend, yet she does this little thing that I take as an act of affection towards me. It wasn't,not to her I believe, I think she was just a bit tired, and mine was the closest shoulder she could lean on.
                            
   She broke up with Taylor, but by the end of the year, she was already in a new relationship, I think...all I know is that, Senior year came along and, she had Anthony, a guy who has the same name as me.
hmm?...Senior year to me was uneventful, it was a year that I should have taken advantage of, we where Seniors, Senior Skip day, parties, ragers...no, I wasn't apart of a crowd that did those things.
       
                           I stayed at home, and I would just listen to music, and think of Kelly. I tried to focus my mind on other girls, there was Amber,Beverly...just friends...and Marina, she was my friend, but at the same time, I felt a bond with her, she went through some shit that year, and she talked to me about it, and to the best of my knowledge, tried to figure out what she could do...it lead to her shaving her hair off...I dunno why, I hope it wasn't something I said...I think it wasn't, was just her way, but I liked her shaven head. I'd like to think that she thought of me as a good friend, she stole Pink Floyd's The Wall and gave it to me, she gave quite a few stuff that she got from the five finger discount, made feel special that she gave them to me.
            I noticed at this time that, I began to think of Kelly less and less as a romantic interest, the crush started to wind down, but, I still had some feelings for her, she was just my friend though.

                   we had a class, but she was there for 3rd period, I was there for 5th. We'd leave notes for each other in our daily folders, something we kept are work in...I'd leave notes about stuff, silly shit, Horror movies, like Idle Hands that came out that year,talked about that in our notes...I forget what else. we had Ms.Cade's class together, I think was social studies..I felt her boob after class one time..ha ha...nothing perverted, she slapped me on the stomach, we was like having a little play fight, and I back handed her on her boobs.lol...chest I mean.
                         Our Senior year went by really fast, a lot went on that's not worth mentioning. When Graduation was a couple of days away, and we had practice in the gym, then we was let out, we where done, I had gotten by with 23 credits, thanks to Mrs.Kong and Food Service..ha ha....we went to practice at the stadium, and, it was the hottest fucking day of the year to me, I had just shaven my head the day before, and I didn't bring a hat..ha! Kelly and Anthony was there, I caught a ride from them to the mall...rode in the back of his truck, he was jamming Backstreet boys....what?
                            
                        Graduation Night came, and I got ready, had my cap and gown, didn't have a belt for my pants, so the whole time I had to hold it up with my hand while walking down the steps...those where some fucking long ass steps man!, but then we got to the field, and we began the ceremony..I remember going up to the Podium to receive my fake ass piece of paper diploma and I heard people in the background going "yeah Anthony! woohoo!" and "TONY BOY!!!"...one of the most happiest moments of my life...when the ceremony was over, we all headed out to the parking lot, that's where everybody met up with family and got lei'd....its a big thing with Graduations in Hawaii, every Graduate had to have so much leis on them that they get buried by them, before I got mine though, I was standing near the back fence, my friend Monk Seal was next to me, got a picture with him...was cool, was awesome!...Billy, a classmate from Ms.Kong's class found me and gave me the shittiest lei, but I loved it man, it was basically my first lie of the evening.
            
           Kelly found me through the crowd, I think about it now...was she looking for me?...I don't know,
but as soon as I saw her, I gave her a Big hug, she doesn't know this, but, throughout my whole High School years, all I ever wanted to do was to hold her, just once, to hold her close to me, the scent of her skin and hair close to my nose, to embrace her. That night, I got to....to me it was a warm embrace, two friends embracing each other, acknowledging that, its over, task accomplished, we survived High School. that Hug meant so much more to me though, it meant that, I won't see her everyday of the school week again, it meant that...it was all over, no more hanging out at the stairs, no more talking stories about movies and so on. as soon as she found me, she left. My family found me just seconds after, and they piled on so much Leis I was literally blinded, I walked into Sheik's Restaurant like that.ha ha
       
               The summer of 2000 started off with my Graduation party, I got drunk that night, Beverly, a girl who was friends with my cousin's family was there, she was actually at my house the day of the party, I liked her, I used to flirt with her in school, but it I wasn't so serious with her as with Kelly, but Beverly did Kiss me once...was eventful to me a bit, just a tad bit..but she's a sweet girl, I still like her, just not that way.
      
       Kelly came to my party, wearing something rather provocative to me, kinda gave made still feel  something inside when I saw her in that, that night. She left before the disco started..I was focused more on other things that night, I ended up dancing for an hour straight with my Dad's friend and her niece, who was a pretty hot chick, only a sophomore as I recall. In the fall I started College, studied some Computer and Writing classes. and Kelly helped me get a job at the Maui Mall theater. It kinda felt like high school, but this time it was work...her boyfriend, only when I started working there, I noticed that he had a real ego trip thing going on. I cashed a check and showed it off to him, I had like 200 bucks in my hand, and he said "yeah, well I make more than that"...okay Fucko...big man, more money...right on.
                 it was fun working there, free movies, free popcorn, discount on the candies...what more could you ask for. Kelly and I talked a lot, there where dead days, nothing to do but just cruise it. one day I blurted out, "Remember when I had a crush on you"...Kelly said "you still do"....I didn't...by that time, I excepted the fact that, this beautiful woman, who I had this tremendous crush on, from 7th grade to senior year, wasn't on my mind anymore. She became something more to me, a friend, a sister, I love her, I do Love her, but I love her like I love my mother, my sisters and my brother, and my father...she became my family.
                          Kelly now lives in Arizona, and through the wonder of technology and Facebook, we can keep in touch. Like a family member, she doesn't approve of some of the partying I do, but that shows concern and care. I'm only Human.....She's engaged to a great guy and, hope to meet him some day...A bit of Jealousy got to me once on myspace, and I sent a Message that angered her...I don't know why I sent it, but I guess a certain part of me was still being a lovesick puppy, I don't know...I apologize for that, I really do....She's someone that is special to me, she was the first girl to like me for who I am, and became one of the most greatest friends I have ever had in my life, I miss her and I am Happy that she's happy where she is.

            So, that's the story of my first crush, since Kelly, there has been to many to count, and like the first, have been friends, some I think never knew I existed. But I have hope that. Some Woman out there's is looking for me, and I'm looking for, and I hope we find each other before it's too late. But then again, it's never too late for anything.


P.S. I hope to sing this song to the love of my Life, when I finally find her.